Edward's Jam Fetish
by MysteriousMidnightVampiress
Summary: [ONE SHOT WITH SEQUELtwo chapters] There was once a time, when JAM existed to create joy in the long dead life of Edward Cullen. And to freak out Bella, resolving in her biting the head of Mr.Ginger bread man, creating the SEQUEL to THE RETURN OF THE GING
1. Jam Jam Jam Jam!

Hi people. Im Anita, and JUST started reading twilight 'cause I'm more of a Mediator book loving freak (Meg Cabot) So I'm mostly on the Mediator fics. Anywhoos, this is my first Twilight fic (I have written like, 6 fics on the mediator so I have experience) BUT I promise you readers out there, this is mostly just and idea, or joke to humour us all after a shitty day or something. BUT I am at the current stage of writing a beautifull Twilight fic, which I'm sure you guys will love (Dedicated for all you fluff and spy/action lovers).So look out for my other story,(Narrator:) coming to a Fanfiction site near you...

Bwhahahaa. Anywhoos, Popcorn, Lights, drum roll...dndndnddn...ACTION.

_**Disclaimer:**I do not own any of the characters in this story which you are about to view, they all belong to Stephenie Meyer._

**(ONE SHOT)**

**Edwards jam fetish...**

**a.k.a. Edwards love for jam...**

Hmmm, the sunshine oh lovely sunshine. But, how can it be so lovely when it STINGS ME IN THE BLOODY EYES WHEN FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. I swear, I'm going to become blind one day, and have to use Edward as my personal feeling- stuff- to- get- around coach. Heehee. Means more of feeling him. I can just imagine...

**(Inside thoughts:)**

_'O O, I know this one...it's an apple! Right?'_

_'Correct! Now, what are these?'_

_(Starts feeling about) 'Umm, almonds?'_

_'Correct again! Now, what about this?'_

_'Umm, is that a...BANANA?'_

_'Um, Bella, you might wanna take your hands of that!'_

_'Of what? Isn't that the squishy old banana that used to be in that fruit bowl thingy before I became blind?'_

_'NO! IT'S **MY** BANANA!'_

**(End of thoughts)**

Hahaha, very bad mental image there people. Ok, moving on. Now where was I? Right, I brushed my teeth, took a shower and whizzed downstairs for breakky, (Just incase I didn't fall down the stairs, I slipped down the railing with my ass). I walked into the kitchen to be greeted by Edward. God, now everytime I see him, I'm going to have to be reminded by the awfull mental image incident this morning. Le sigh.

''Morning Bella darling...'' he greeted me with a smile.

''Morning Edward angel...'' I mimicked.

''Bella...'' he said in a warning tone at my previous remark at having a go to try and mimick him.

''Sorry Edward, but I unfortunatly just found out this morning that I am diagnosed with MVS,'' I said in a more serious tone, putting on an act, trying to scare him. He looked scared and worried for amoment then asked,

''What's THAT?''

''Oh, it's just Mimicking Vampires Syndrome.'' I said seriously again. Realization slowly dawned upon his face, and when he FINALLY got it, he burst out into fits off luaghter. Well, not technically BURST just...oh, nevermind.

''Ahaa, I see. Mimicking Vampires Syndrome huh?''

''Yup.'' I replied delighted at the sight of his gorgeous smile.

''Anyways, sit down. I have made this breakfast thinking about you. It's Bella breakfast.''

He brought over to the table I was sat at; a plate with two toasts, fried eggs and he placed beside that butter and jam and a glass of orange juice.

I stared at the plate. Then at Edward (who was looking at me confused) Then at the plate. Then at Edward.

''Ok, so I remind you of eggs and toast?''

''Hahahahahaa, no..well-yeh. Your eyes are like eggs, and your as dry as toast.''

Now it was my turn to look confused. ''Really?'' I asked in an almost guilty voice (for mimciking him).

''Well yes. Did you know I have SPRMOFS?''

''And that's ment to be?'' I asked, knowing he was getting his own back at me.

''Some People Remind Me Of Food Syndrome.'' He burst out laughing again. I just sat there blushing.

''I'm only joking darling,'' he continued ''but, I wouldn't mine you as my food some time you know...I'd like a bite of you some time.''

I blushed even more. I then dug in to my breakfast. He just sat there opposite me staring at me wide eyed.

''What,'' I asked, mouth full.

''Hey, didn't you ever learn that you must CHEW your food first before talking?'' He said sarcastically.

''No, I didn't actually.'' I replied jokingly, sticking out my tongue full off food to him. He turned his head around in disgust. How mature, I know.

Anywhoos, I carried on munching on my breakfast ike nothing just happend. And, he just carried on staring at me like nothing happend.

I'm a slow eater. (coughrandomcough)

''So, you like jam and butterd toast huh?'' Edward suddenly asked me out of nowhere.

''What?'' I asked flabbergasted but continued munching on my breakkie anyways.

''I mean, you seem to be eating it like it's the biggest passion in your life...I don't just the way you eat it makes it seem so...delicous.''

I blushed.

''Can I try some?'' He asked.

My eyes bulged out in surprise, and nearly choked on my food, ''WHAT!''

''I asked If I could try some.'' He repeated again.

''Um, Edward, are you forgetting that you um...can't technically eat, cos you're a blood sucking VAMPIRE?''

''Yeh, so. I've had food before whilst I was a vampire-''

''What? Really?''

''Well, that was out of habit a few days after I was transformed.''

''Yeh, well that was like 97 years ago or sumthin,'' I said.

''Soo. I still ate,'' he said.

''Fine. But, don't you know how jam tastes like?''

''Well, I remember I used to love jam when I was a kid, but now, I haven't had it in ages, and am starting to forget the taste of it.''

Sorry, but I HAD to laugh at that one. Hhahahahahaha. He just stared at me.

''Sorry sorry, I am. Really. It just sounded funny...the way you said that,'' I looked at him, ''so, you want some jam or not?''

He nodded like a little kis, ''Aww, you are so sweet when you want something.'' I really ment it. And pinched his cheek like he were some kid or sumthin. Actually, I'm the kid here. He is like 97. I am 17. Well, he still LOOKS 17, but..anyways.

So, I got up, took a spoo outta the draw, and scooped out a small mouthfull of strawberry jam from the jar. I then slipped it into his mouth. The minute the sticky, sweet smelling, bloody red, lumpy jam touched his mouth he moaned in delight.

His eyes opend wide, and his lips slowly formed the shape of a crest.

''You like?'' I asked.

''Mmm, that is the most delicous thing I have had since I died.''

''Even more delicous than blood?'' I asked.

''Definatly.''

**_And so, the day went by and again it was time for bed, then waking up. Again. _ (Gets popcorn thrown at head from audience. A bold Person shouts :Hey, you. Me:ME? Bold Man: Yes you. Quite the bullshit Miss Narrator person- Me: Actually, I DO have a name you know- Bold Man: I dont care. Just stop talking ok? Me: Blushes like mad**

Another morning. Another step to being blinded by the sun. Hurrah!**(Mentally calculates)** That makes it 156 days until I can finally be blind and have Edward as my feeling couch. Woo!

I do my usual morning stuff, and this time actually ROLL down the stairs. Wonder why? Yeh, I tripped, and went tumbling down. How come Edward didn't come and save me. Humph.

Anywhoos, as I made my way into the kitchen, I HAD to stop. I mean, like ABRUPTLY. And, with a mischevious grin on my face, I slowly started tip-toeing my way behing Edwards back. And then, I would scare him. Mwahahahahaha.

But, as I got closer, I was expecting him to be frying something or cooking, but I didn't smell anything or hear any frying, just...licking and slurrping. WTF?

I then stopped my tip toeing, and with a serious look of concern on my face (I could feel it haaha) I placed my hand on his shoulder, and at that reaction, Edward turned around (KInd off flinched actually) Jumping back pressing himself against the counters. But, to my dismay he was NOT frying eggs, or making me something which reminded me of him. BUT, he had JAM smeared all over his mouth, and hands, and on the counter. He looked at me like a 2 year old kid caught doing something bad. Hhaaha, he looked so funny.

''Edward-What's wrong with you?What's with the...jam?'' I said half laughing.

He just stared at me like a weirdo.

He looked down at the jam jar, and held it close to his chest rubbing it ,''My preciouuusss.'' Um, Gollum L.O.T.R's much? **_(LOTR means Lord Of The Rings)_**

''Edward, are you allright?'' I asked as I picked up a gingerbread from the cookie jar. I smelled it (a habit I have) and took a bite of it's head.

''Yes, ofcourse I'm allright. I just...have...a...jam, fetish.'' Hah, Jam fetish? Where have I heard THAT one before.

''Mmmm, okay then.'' I replied, walking back upstairs to mine and Edward's room, picking up my school bag and leaving the house. BELLA HAS LEFT THE HOUSE. (Big Brother voice over.)

(Camera zooms in Edwards wide eyed hugging jam jar form) Dndndndndndn

_To be continued..._

**Buhahaha. Man, I'm sorry, I just had that wacky idea in my head before I fell asleep in Physics class, and I started luaghing like a mad man at the idea, so I was sent out after...(pouts)**

**R&R people...if you want the sequel to this, which is called: The comeback of the gingerbread man! Mwahahahahaha. **


	2. Then IT happend

People have been asking me to create the sequel to Edward's Jam Fetish...so here it is. Hope your satisified gives out evils

(Oh, BTW, you have to read Edward's Jam Fetish before you read this one. Thankies )

(**WARNING**: Contains VERY disturbing graphic stuff...like boldpatches...and stuff...)

**The return of the Gingerbread man**

Ahhh. Stupid sunlight...it's...killing me. Remember when I said that one day I am actually going to become blind, and use Edward as my coach? Yeh. Well...I don't think that'll be happening anytime soon...as much as I would absolutly LOVE to...so Edward...can...show me...stuff...hehe..

Soo, I've got a plan up my sleeve. I am going to go out in the sunlight (today it's quite sunny

here in Forks) and blind myself. Purposfully. Wait...but then..I won't be able to see my beautiful Edward...and I won't know how to wipe my ass after I do my stuff...and...I would probably put in my tampons in my school bag thinking they're pens. Gah. You know what? Fuck it. I'm NOT becoming blind.

I got up off my bed, only to see a very amused looking Edward staring at me. What?

''What?'' I asked.

''Nothing. Just that...you look as though an elephant has just farted on you.''

Did he just say that? What the fu-. Then I saw IT. I was standing in front of my mirror in no time, and to my disbelief, I looked like a pile of haystack, blown by the wind. I had under eye bags, bloated face, fucked up hair. Now I see what Edward ment by the 'Elephant fart'.

So, I took a blitz shower, brushed my teeth so quick I thought the toothbrush was gonna break, I combed my hair so fast and hard, that it broke and got stuck in my hair. GOD! I tried to cut it off my hair with scissors, but I couldn't see where I was cutting, because It was on the back of my head. I walked over to Edward, and asked him to do it.

''Tsk tsk. Bella, what is wrong with you now a days? You never seem to do things right.''

He was practiclly pulling the hairbrush of my head SO hard, I thought my scalp would rip off any minute. Then I felt IT. Shit it hurt. But he eventually took the remaing hairbrush of my hair, only to start laughing.

''What?'' I kept on asking.

''Hahahaha. OMG, you should take a look at the back of your head! HAhahaha. Omg, I'm soo sorry.''

I grabbed a small hand mirror, and faced my back to the big mirror. Then I looked at the small hand mirror, which reflected my reflection off the back mirror, displaying a fat-WHAT!

And that's when I had enough and blacked out.

_**20 minutes (and snores from Bella) later...**_

Ahh...my head...dizziness. I woke up in my bed, to see Edward standing there above me, watching me in a slightly bemused way.

Wait, what happend? Ok...im slowly retreiving my memory back...morning sunlight...elephant fart...shower...comb in my hair...BIG FAT BALD PATCH ON THE BACK OF MY HEAD! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh well. I could always wear a hat till it grows back. Anyways, It's always cold in Forks.

I slipped on some clothes, wore a basketball cap, and slowly walked downstairs to the kitchen.

Grabbing a bowl of cereal, and orange juice, I noticed Edward starring at the jam jar again. Lovingly. Jeez louis. Will he ever get over it?

Anywhoos. I took a seat on the table and started munching away so quick I kept on biting my spoon. That is until IT happend. I chipped my tooth. WHATS WRONG WITH ME TODAY?HUH?

''Ouch!''

''What?'' Edward exclaimed.

''Look...'' then I sheepishly smiled, revealing my chipped tooth.

Edward looked as though he would blow up from laughter if he didn't let it out anyminute.

''Oh shutup.'' I said, pissed off at myself. Edward shrugged, and disappeared in a whizz. Somewhere...

Without another word, I got up, and decided today I need NO ride to school, and I'm not even gonna risk driving...just incase...

I walked outta the door, and started to make my way towards school. That's when things started getting weird. There was not a person alive on the road.

I started to pick up on my pace, that is until IT happend.

My cell phone started to ring. I took it out of my pocket, answerd it, only to be replied with a...

''Hello. Now, lithen here young lady. You will keep on walking, BUT take the firthst thortcut to your right, into the woods. Or elthe thomething...thomething...err...'' Mumbling in the backround. This dude, had a severe condition og lisping.

''Or elthe we would have to drag you into the woodth. Capeeth?''

''Sorry, who's this. And do you even know who your talkin' to?'' I asked. Flabbergasted, at how a guy with a lisp could sound so...dare I say it...intimidating.

''Yeash. Ithabella Thwan. Your name ith Ithabella Thwan. Am I right?''

''No your not. My name's ISabella Swan. Not ITHabella THwan. CapeeSH?'' I put empahsis on the words with S's in them.

''Ok, Ithabella Thwan-'' Here he goes again with the lisp.

''Yes?'' I asked, getting tired.

''You will lithen to me and go into the woodth. Hokey?'' He couldn't even prounounce OK properly. Jeez louis.

''Fine.'' I hung up, and took the goddamned shortcut into the woods. Lets see who's waiting for me...

Then I IT happend. God, why me? I felt a quick, sharp pain hit the back off my head and I blacked out.

_**Half an hour later(Starting from this point is where the story starts to get serious...1..2..3..NOT!)...**_

I awoke...IN MY ROOM? Wasn't I in the woods a minute ago...or more like...half an hour ago? Hold up. I was TIED UP! My hands were tied behind my back, my mouth was gagged, and my feet were tied up also. I was lying on my side, on my bedroom floor.

Suddenly, I heard shuffling from across my bedroom. I looked up, and saw on my rocking chair a small brown thing...my kidnapper?...a...WHA-?

A GINGERBREAD MAN? WTF? Noo...I think I'm still asleep. This is NOT heppening. First I get a boldpatch, then I chip my tooth off, NOW I get kidnapped by a Gingerbread!

''What the hell do you want?'' I asked, but it sounded more along the lines off ''Eumph...uff..nuff..euff..wennf?'' Thanks to the stupid scarf tied around my mouth.

''Oh you thee...onthe upon a timeth, there wath a thtupid girl called Ithabella Thwan who dethided to eateth a Gingerbread man!'' Hah, its the man-er gingerbread- with the lisp! Hahahaha. I couldn't stop laughing. He gave me a stern look and asked ''Whath the matter thtupid girl?''

I shook my head.

''Tho, after the ateth the gingerbread man-'' Mumbles something under his breathe along the lines of ' Rest in peice Bob'

''uth Gingerbreaderth dethided to take revengeth on you, on behalf of Bob. The gingerbread the thtupid girl ate. Namingly YOuuuuu.'' he pointed his little dough finger at me.

I started struggling to undo the nots, but to no avail. Meanwhile, the Ginger dude was trying to get off the rocking chair, and actually did! That was until, a crow flew into my room through thru my window and bit his head off. Yey for the crow! Woo.

Suddenly, more gingerbread started marching in through my bedroom door, surrounding me. That is until ofcourse my hero/angel (cough) came -Edward- and started to undo the knots, as little Gingerbread-ers started to climb on his back and try to attck him. All he did as grab them, and crunch them in his fist.

When I was finally free, I started to do as Edward do: Grab, Crunch and Blow. (Blow, meaning blowing away the crumbs...)

We finally killed..er...crunched all of them to death..er..to...crumbs...

Suddenly, out of nowhere ''We are the champions'' by Queen started playing. Huh?

_**The**_

_**End**_

Hahaha. I had fun writing that.


	3. Please read!

**Um...just read this...**

Ok, first of all, I want to thank all my lurvlyy reviewers! woo, you guys rock my sox off. Secondly, I want to appologise if the second chapter is in anyway what so ever offensive to people with a lisp. And finally, I want to do some translating concerning the second chapter, cos I don't think any of you understood what Gingerbread man said.

**Heres the telephone call:** _''Hello. Now, lithen here young lady. You will keep on walking, BUT take the firthst thortcut to your right, into the woods. Or elthe thomething...thomething...err...Or elthe we would have to drag you into the woodth. Capeeth?''_

**Translation: **''Hello. Now, listen here young lady. You will keep on walking, BUT take the first shortcut to your right, into the woods. Or else something...something...err...Or else we would have to drag you into the woods. Capeesh?''

**Cont'd of the telephone call:** _''Sorry, who's this. And do you even know who your talkin' to?'' I asked. (**Bella)**_

_''Yeash. Ithabella Thwan. Your name ith Ithabella Thwan. Am I right?''_

_''No your not. My name's ISabella Swan. Not ITHabella THwan. CapeeSH?'' I put empahsis on the words with S's in them. **(Bella)**_

_''Ok, Ithabella Thwan-'' _

_''Yes?'' I asked, getting tired.**(Bella)**_

_''You will lithen to me and go into the woodth. Hokey?'' _

**Translation: (Bella)**

''Yes. Isabella Swan. Your name is Isabella Swan. Am I right?''

**(Bella)**

''Ok, Isabella Swan-''

**(Bella)**

''You will listen to me and go into the woods. OK?''

**(Bella finishes off convo)**

**The room scene and threat: **_''What the hell do you want?'' **(Bella)**_

_''Oh you thee...onthe upon a timeth, there wath a thtupid girl called Ithabella Thwan who dethided to eateth a Gingerbread man!''_

_''Whath the matter thtupid girl?''_

_''Tho, after the ateth the gingerbread man-'' Mumbles something under his breathe along the lines of ' Rest in peice Bob'_

_''uth Gingerbreaderth dethided to take revengeth on you, on behalf of Bob. The gingerbread the thtupid girl ate. Namingly YOuuuuu.'' _

**Translation: **''Oh, you see...once upon a time, there was a stupid girl called Isabella Swan who decided to eat a Gingerbread man!''

''What;s the matter stupid girl?''

''So, after she ate the gingerbread man-''

''Us Gingerbreaders decided to take revenge on you, on behalf of Bob. The gingerbread the stupid girl ate. Namingly Youuuuuu.''

_Thank you for readin' and reviewin'. Watch out for my next fic, called_ **'Hated guilt, Tempting pleasure, and Sweet revenge' **_ It's a Romance/Action-adventure/Mystery fic. This is my best one so far. My masterpeice! Check it out under my profile under 'Stories authored'_

_Until then, Ciao!_


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